I have got to pace myself. We all know that. If I do too much I am tired and hurting. Sometimes I can even break. Then its a long time till I am feeling better.
I feel fragile inside. I am going to break and I know it. It is just a question of how much until I do.
A fight goes on inside me. I want to conquer the world, at least my little part. But I know the consequences.
There are things that demand my attention that I just can't let go by. I feel guilty and imposing to ask others to help. I always feel imposing. I don't want them to have to do that which is mine to do. But I can't do it all. There is the constant decision making of, "Is this something that really needs to be done or can I let it go?" How do I know?
There are the fun things. Most of the time I go to places tired. Or come home tired. I look back on trips we have taken and thoughts run through my head. "I was really tired when we went there!" or "That one wasn't so bad."
Yesterday, I was talking to a lady who lives about two hours away about making Hungarian Christmas cookies. She had shared a recipe and I needed clarification. As the conversation developed we talked about getting together next year to make Linder cookies. I would like to do this. She lives about two hours away. All I could think is how I could never do it. I could drive down there. Or I could spend the afternoon learning how to make cookies. Or I could drive home. But I know I can only do one of the three.
It is four days until Christmas. I want to everything to be right. Clean house. Nice meals. Sweet visits. ........ But I am already tired. My family will surround me with love. Over and over again they will offer to help and take over my duties. I will be grateful more then they will know. But inside I will be crying because my heart wants to be doing for them. They will want to save the day for me, whatever it takes. And they do, over and over.
....Maybe the best gift I can give them is to not break.